Passive, Assertive, Aggressive: Three Ways to Deal with Disappointment

Raise your voice, not your wordsThere are three ways to deal with disappointment.

Passive:  We notice an event or relationship that bothers us or feels disappointing, but we choose not to speak up. We are valuing the rights of others over our own.  That works in certain situations, yet it can become a pattern or a way of responding that is not helpful to us.

Assertive:  We choose to engage in a conversation and explain our perspective. We think about the rights of others and about our rights. This is a mindful, balanced approach that can become a strong civility practice.

Aggressive:  We speak up in a way that values our rights above others.

In an article titled, What is Assertiveness? Dr. Mark Ettensohn writes:

When thinking about assertiveness, it is helpful to remember the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Like Goldilocks in the story, being assertive is a matter of finding the happy medium between two extremes. In this case, assertiveness lies somewhere between being passive and being aggressive.

One way to consider your own approach for dealing with disappointment is to think about the last time you experienced poor customer service. Which of the three situations is most like your experience?

  • I got frustrated and ended up telling others but didn’t say anything to the business or the people who could actually meet my needs.
  • I asked for a supervisor to explain what happened and my preferred resolution.
  • I got upset and started speaking to the customer service person and blaming them.

If your most recent experience was the first or the third response, take time to reflect. Is this your normal pattern?

When we build the skill of assertiveness over a more passive or aggressive approach at work we start to build a culture of mindfulness and civility.

Dr. Ettensohn writes:

Learning to be assertive can be difficult, especially if you’ve fallen into the habit of engaging in cycles of passivity and aggression. Often, people attempting to make changes in their behavior will encounter feelings of discomfort when they try new things. They may also notice that others resist their attempts to change established relationship dynamics. This is perfectly normal and is usually a sign of growth.

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How to Respond when Someone Speaks Up

How to Respond

Consider a scenario where a conversation is taking place and one person speaks up and says, “I don’t see it that way.”

As a listener, this becomes an opportunity to respond with a genuine desire to understand. Skilled listeners learn to maneuver around the brain’s natural reaction to identify confrontation as a threat. A skilled listener recognizes the impulse to react and learns to respond with a question.

The practice of speaking up is a valuable civility practice. Respect emerges when differences are discussed and explored.

Gather Tips and ToolsThe Seeds of Civility is a blog that is created by The Wallace Centers of Iowa.  Here we gather tips for leading (and developing emerging leaders) with civility.

Seeds of Dialogue: Four Civility Practices

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Water is a subject that is on people’s minds. The Wallace Centers of Iowa and four promotion partners are encouraging people to talk to each other at Conversations about the Future of Iowa’s Water.

At the dinners, dialogue is structured with questions that naturally bring about four civility practices. These practices are taught in The Wallace Centers of Iowa programs for the workplace.

Speaking Up-

In order to understand issues better, it makes sense to explore what feels troublesome about an issue. Eventually a person will need to speak up in order for things to change.

When it comes to the future of Iowa’s water, what are your concerns?

Listening Well –

When a person speaks, they have a right to respect and to be heard. Listening well involves asking questions to understand and truly acknowledge what others are saying.

Thinking about the future of Iowa’s water, have you listened to the concerns of other Iowan’s?

Seeing Possibilities –

No matter what issues come up, there are always positive examples of people taking action. Being able to see those examples and build on them creates a more civil society.

What positive actions have you seen that address the future of Iowa’s water?

Responsibility –

Each person must assume some level of responsibility in order for any kind of civil action to occur on a larger scale. In the case of the future of Iowa’s water there are two questions to consider about responsibility.

What role do elected officials have to play?

What personal actions have you taken or plan to take to improve the future of Iowa’s water?

Discussing questions in a small setting, after getting to know new people over dinner, is a simple but profound experience.

Promotional Partners include:

Iowa Agriculture Water Alliance

Iowa Environmental Council

Iowa Association of Water Agencies

Iowa Farmer’s Union

Seeds of Civility is a blog that cultivates conversations about civility and leadership in the workplace and in the community.  Keep the conversations going!

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